With only 6 more weeks (give or take) until our little one makes their appearance into this world; I can’t help but want time to slow down whilst wanting it to speed up at the same time… It is a conflicting feeling because I am beyond ready to meet this baby of ours (not to mention my comfort level has long past expired – hello back pain and sore ribs), but I want to savor every last moment I have left of this pregnancy. I feel like time has gone by in the blink of an eye. It feels like yesterday I found out I was expecting, and now we are putting the final touches on the nursery. How is that even possible!? All too often I hear women talk about the last few weeks of pregnancy feeling like an eternity and maybe that will come but as I see it right now, I want it all to slow down.
This pregnancy has been so surreal and special for me. Each morning I have made it a point to wake up saying “Today I am pregnant, and for that I am grateful”. Because I know there are so many women out there that would give anything to experience this type of miracle. Every kick and movement I feel I can’t help but smile. I remember the first few weeks anticipating that first moment and being so unsure if what I was feeling was real or not. Now, there I no mistaking my breath being taken away – because of a foot being shoved into my rib. I can’t complain because this pregnancy has gone as smooth as one could hope for, but I can certainly empathize with many soon to be mothers with the fact that the last few weeks can be a pain – literally. My back, my ribs, my feet and not to mention the whole lack of sleep and having to constantly use the bathroom. But I would do it 10X over.
At 34 weeks I am preparing for what will be one of the biggest events of my life. Hard… like a marathon, or even harder. Emotionally draining. Exhausting. Life-changing. And I don’t know when this event will start. How it will start. Or how long it will last. Or how well I will handle it.
I’ve been preparing, but there is still so much uncertainty. Do I have what it takes? Will the baby cooperate? Will I make the right decisions? Am I strong enough to advocate for myself? How will I handle it if something bad happens to me or our baby?
It’s a lot of mental overload…gearing up for labor and birth. There’s excitement and joy. There’s CAN THIS BE OVER ALREADY? And there’s that voice that also tells me that I should be enjoying these last few weeks, or at least be grateful for them.
Because it doesn’t stop there. I actually have to bring this baby home. And give myself wholly, fully, and with abandon to them 24/7.
And so, when I feel like I just want to go into labor already because I’m tired of being pregnant, I think of all of this and am overwhelmed and just want to wait a little bit longer. Until the next pang of wanting to meet my baby hit and the cycle starts all over again.
At 34 weeks pregnant, it’s a constant balance – of staying active, yet conserving energy for the marathon and aftermath to come. Of keeping busy enough to get through each day but not being so busy that if I go into labor tonight I’m not depleted of the energy I’ll need to have a baby. Of staying distracted to pass the time, yet focused and centered on the tasks ahead that will demand all of my mental fortitude.
And it’s dealing with all of this in my head, all the time, every moment, day and night.
Because it’s not just like I can forget about it – not when my uterus hardens multiple times an hour, every time I make a sudden movement, or have to pee, or after I pee…which means, pretty much, all the time. And when the baby doesn’t go an hour without moving. No, there is no forgetting. There is no real distraction from the thoughts, the wondering, the questions, the fears, the doubts.
Growing a tiny human is exhausting, but no great love ever came without struggle. I have spent the last 34 weeks preparing to fall in love for a lifetime. Not every day of pregnancy is easy but every day brings me closer to you.