When you become pregnant, it is scary. No matter how prepared you were for your pregnancy, the moment it actually happens, there’s a certain amount of fear. But you know what? That is a good thing! It means you care about the little one that’s growing inside you. Not only that, but you value the relationships in your life and how this little one will affect them.
For as long as I can remember I have been searching for my purpose in this world. What God had intended for me to do with my life, and I am not ashamed to admit that I still have no idea what that is. However, I have always known 2 things. That I wanted to have a family, and be a wife and mother. That has never changed. Now that I am a wife, and mama-to-be I can’t shake this fear that something is missing.
Now, before I get into this, I want to start by saying that I am BEYOND excited to become a Mother. I haven’t had any major fear or anxiety over the fact that not only will I be giving birth to a beautiful baby in 15 weeks, but I will be responsible for that child’s life and well-being. Of course I have had those moments of “Can I do this?” or “Am I prepared?” but the answer is, I don’t think anyone is ever fully 100% prepared to become a parent. I am very much looking forward to this next chapter in me and Ben’s lives and although there is a lot of uncertainty, I know that we will get through whatever life throws at us together, as a family.
What if I fail? What if the picture of what I have in my head of being a parent is not the reality? What if I let my child down, or can’t provide them with everything they need? What if I don’t do enough or do my best? I want to be the best Mother I can be to this child. I want to be able to provide them with everything they need. I want them to have the best opportunity at a great education, financial stability, and sense of security. I want to be a good role model for my child, someone they can look up to and be proud to call their Mom. I do not want to fail my child or fail at this new journey of Motherhood. No Mother is perfect, I realize that. Mistakes are made, things don’t go as planned, and all you can do is accept and learn from the mistakes.
What will happen to my career? I grew up in a family that didn’t have much, but we had everything we needed. I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and I was loved unconditionally. We didn’t have the newest cars, a cottage on the lake, or the opportunities others around me had growing up. But that is okay. From a young age I learned that if I wanted something, I had to work for it. That is something I am very proud of, and grateful I was taught. I was instilled with a hard work ethic at a young age and this has stuck with me. So, it is a fear of mine now that I will have to choose my career over raising my child. Sure, women do it all the time. There are plenty of mothers who work full time jobs and care for a family – kudos to you women, you are amazing! I had always wanted to work and raise a family, that is until I met my now husband and started considering starting a family and how we wanted to raise our kids. Both of our moms were stay-at-home moms while we were young for a time, and we are very fortunate to have had that. I want to give my child that same opportunity because I truly believe it is so special, however that is not always a reality in many families that rely on 2 incomes. My husband has been very supportive of whatever I want to do whether I want to continue working or stay home. But the pride I have in contributing financially is a hard thing to let go of. I like making money, I like working, and it gives me a sense of purpose, however I want to be there to raise my babies. I want to be fully present and not miss out on anything. I fear I will have to either lose on watching my children grow, or not advance in my career and grow into my full potential professionally.
What will happen to my marriage? When you get married its all about you and your husband. Then your baby comes and all of a sudden everything is about the baby. I fear that I will miss out on spending time with my husband and having alone time with him. Will he feel that all my attention is on the baby and that there is none left for him? How will we make time for one another? How will he feel about my post-baby body? He is my high-school sweetheart, we don’t know loving anyone else other than each other. Another fear of mine is disagreements. We are not the perfect couple – who is? We have arguments and disagree on a lot. And having a baby will only put more pressure on our marriage as sleepless nights and fatigue sets in. We both have different ideas on how to parent, but for the most part are in agreement – for now at least until we are sleep deprived, exhausted and overwhelmed. Keeping in mind that this is only temporary and that we are in this together will have to be on repeat in both of our minds.
What if I don’t feel fulfilled by being a parent? This one is probably my BIGGEST fear. Like I had said before, I have never had any doubts about wanting to be a Mom and raising a family. I have always wanted this – or so I had thought. But what if I don’t feel fulfilled by being a parent? What is being a parent doesn’t give me purpose? What if it doesn’t meet my expectations and I feel resentment towards my spouse or even worse this little miracle I will soon have in my arms. What if I regret becoming a parent? I am sure few parents have the audacity to admit this out loud, but I’d bet that many of them have felt fleeting tinges of regret. Those times when they locked themselves in the bathroom to cry. Those cancelled plans and forgotten dreams. Those moments when they wondered why the hell they wanted to commit to this whole child-rearing business in the first place. I am sure they have all been there, and they got through it.
What if I lose who I am? What if I lose a piece of myself that I once loved? What if I don’t feel like myself? What if all I ever accomplish in this life is being someone’s wife and mother? Is that good enough? Is that what God intended for me? The truth is I am still discovering who I am. We are ever evolving as humans, which is a beautiful thing. Sure, I do hope that becoming a Mother gives me a sense of purpose and brings out a side of me that I have never known. A side of me that is strong, full of love and patience. I hope that becoming a Mother makes me a better spouse to my Husband. I hope this makes our marriage stronger. I do not want to lose myself through the process of becoming a Mother, rather I hope it brings out the best of me.